A year in review.

On February 1st, 2011 my life would be forever changed. It was around midnight and I was half asleep on the couch. My brother was calling to tell me Mom fell, that he had to go over to help my Dad pick her up and put her on the couch. She had a black eye and a bloody nose. Not really understanding what was going on or comprehending the gravity of the situation I asked for him to put her on the phone. I talked to her, tried to convince her to go to the hospital but she was adamant that she was fine, that she fell because she was wearing her fluevogs and tripped. We both giggled because she loved those shoes; she bought them the last time she was in Boston and the plan was for her to come back so she could buy another pair. She convinced me she was okay so I told her I loved her and hung up the phone. A few hours later she'd be rushed to the hospital and a few hours after that she'd leave this earth. I wouldn't make it home in time to say goodbye. That will always be my biggest regret.

How was I to know that was the last time I'd hear her voice. It's amazing how your life can change in an instant.

The 1st few months of my Mom's death felt surreal; as if I was stuck in a nightmare and I just kept waiting to wake up. It felt unfair. I started to resent my friends that still had a Mom and I was angry most days. I felt cheated. She was only 65, I was supposed to have more time. Of course with time (and therapy) I started to accept the inevitable. She was gone, forever. I can now realize how lucky I was to have had her for 33 years of my life because some people don't even have that. On Wednesday I will do my best not to mourn the loss of her but instead I will celebrate her life. I will toast to all the memories I have of her and I will do my best to remember her smile and her laugh. She really did have the best laugh.

We are all going to die some day. It's a very harsh reality that I think you don't realize until you lose someone so abruptly; so cherish your life and don't take it for granted. Don't let money/societal pressures dictate it for you because you only have one. And please cherish the people close to you because really, you never know.

[Yes, everyone once and a while I still get really angry. I think the hardest thing I had to learn since going through all this is acceptance because it's easy to get angry but it doesn't help the pain of not having her here.]

Oh my sparrow it's too late
Your body limp beneath my feet
Your dusty eyes cold as clay
You didn't hear my warning